I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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