I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
