There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
