my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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