Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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