Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
