If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
