I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
