Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
