ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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