the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
