My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
