go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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