Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
