I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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