Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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