My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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