Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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