god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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