I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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