this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
