I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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