It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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