you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
