I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
