Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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