Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
