My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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