Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
