We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
