I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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