Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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