farters have to be the big spoon...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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