God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
