now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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