is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
