I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
