Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
