Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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