I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
