I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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