If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
