You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
And then the night went full on bisexual.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
