i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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