We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I checked into jail on foursquare
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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