Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
