The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
