There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
