well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
