You're my little dorito
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
