my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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