I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
